Jackie Treehorn Eaten Alive!!
The members of Jackie Treehorn are lost and presumed cannibalized by rabid Canuck fans.
The last visual confirmation we have of their existence was found inside a battered camera on the streets of Granville. The camera belonged to our On-the-Scene Breaking-News-Expert Breezer Tackmeister who is missing and also presumed dead. (We have not heard from Breezer since he phoned to tell the entire staff how much he loved them and how f*cking amazing the Canucks were that night).
Breezer Tackmeister, RIP 1975 - 2011
If it weren't for the "Property of JTH Free Press" label Breezer's camera, this story may have never made it to us; thankfully, it was left on our doorstep by a good samaritan. The footage we saw may have been the last few seconds of Breezer's life, yet he struggle strongly against the tidepool of hockey-crazed maniacs to provide us with this clip. He is a hero, and a saint. We will miss him.
And now, we will show you the clip. Let us first say that it is very disturbing and not recommended for younger viewers.
JTH Free Press
